Keep a Cool Head in a Hot Game: Caregiver Tips for Helping Children Struggling with Daily Transitions

Written by: Bernardo Loiacono, PhD

The house is still dimly lit as the morning light filters through the blinds. The clock on the wall reads 7:15 AM, and a parent is rushing through the kitchen, trying to juggle getting ready for work, making breakfast, and getting the kids out the door by 8:00 AM. There’s a pile of laundry on the couch, backpacks strewn across the hallway, and the unmistakable sound of Ethan's tantrum starting to rise in the other room. Despite countless prompts from his parent that it is time for the kids to get dressed, brush their teeth, and eat breakfast before school, the odds of everyone getting to where they need to on time gets worse and worse.

As caregivers, it can be difficult to get compliance from kiddos from the first time they are prompted to do something. “I’m tired of having to repeat myself,” “I hate that I must raise my voice before they listen,” “I feel bad when I lose my cool in front of them,” are common reports from caregivers struggling to support children with transitioning from one activity to another. Despite this tale as old as time, there are well researched parent management skills to use that will reverse this parent-child dynamic!

But before we get into caregiver tips and skills, let’s discuss some underlying factors to children pushing boundaries.

Tantrums and non-compliance:

Children thrive with consistency, predictability, and clear instruction. However, a child’s job is to experience emotions and reactions – all of them – whining, yelling, screaming, crying, and sassing included.⁵ The caregiver’s job is to support the child in managing these reactions. It seems simple enough, but people often forget that children do not come with a “how to” guide or pre-downloaded software to self-regulate. They rely on you to guide them on how to manage difficult situations and big emotions.  

By implementing the following parent management skills consistently, your child’s ability to calm down and stay on task will become quicker.

Try Praise:

Often times our kiddos are behaving well throughout the day, but we fail to say anything. If caregivers only intervene when children are misbehaving, that could lead to caregivers feeling bad/exhausted from focusing on the negative. Also, focusing on what children aren’t doing correctly doesn’t help them learn what they should be doing as efficiently.^1,2 

Instead, using praise:

• Increases the behavior that is praised.
• Helps you notice positive behavior.
• Shows your approval.
• Improves the child’s self-esteem.
• Makes you and your child feel good.

When using praise, it’s important to be as specific as possible so the child knows exactly why they are receiving the praise. Being specific communicates what the child needs to keep doing behaviorally to continue getting that praise.

For example, rather than saying, “Great job!” be specific and say, “Great job pushing in your chair after dinner!” The specific praise lets the child know what you approve of and exactly what they need to keep doing to get the praise again.

Other praise examples:

• “Awesome idea to put it there.”
• “I like how gently you are putting the crayons away.”
• “Thank you for sharing with your sister.”
• “You drew a pretty picture.”
• “I love how calmly you are playing on your tablet.”
• “Thank you for staying quiet while Mom is on the phone.”
• “Great job starting to get your pajamas on for bed.”

Pro Tip: If struggling to think of praises, it can be helpful to make a list of the behaviors that your child does that get under your skin (e.g., yelling, not cleaning up after themselves, being rough with toys) and then writing the opposite behavior that you should look out for to praise throughout the day (e.g., using an ‘inside voice,’ cleaning up, using gentle hands).

Improve Your Instructions:

At times, caregivers need to provide clear instructions to their children to support them in staying safe and completing important tasks. 

When using instructions, there are effective ways to increase chance of compliance.³ 

1. Instructions should be direct rather than indirect.

Example: “Please hand me the scissors,” rather than, “Will you hand me the scissors,” or “How ‘bout we hand Mom the scissors?” or “Let’s hand me those scissors.”

Direct instructions…

• Leave no question that the child is being told to do something.
• Do not imply choice, nor suggest that the adult might do the task for the child.
• Reduce confusion for the child.

2. Instructions should be said positively.

Example: “Please come sit by me,” and “Put your hands by your side,” rather than, “Don’t run in the house,” or, “Stop touching the lamp.”

Positive instructions…

• Tell the child what to do rather than what not to do.
• Avoid criticism of the child’s behavior.
• Provide clear statement of what the child can or should do.

3. Instructions should be given one at a time.

Example: “Please put your shoes in the closet,” or, “Put your shirt in the hamper,” rather than “Put your shoes in the closet, then do your homework and get ready for dinner,” or “Clean your room.”

Instructions one at a time…

• Help the child to remember the whole instruction.
• Help the caregiver to determine if the child completed the entire instruction.

4. Instructions should be specific rather than vague.

Example: “Get down off the chair,” “Place your feet on the floor,” or, “Talk in a quiet voice,” rather than, “Be careful,” or, “Behave!”

Specific instructions…

• Provide a clear, well-defined behavior to execute.

5. Instructions should be age-appropriate.

Example: “It’s bedtime!” or, “Brush your teeth,” rather than, “I think someone’s feeling a little spent,” or “I don’t want you to get cavities.”

Age-appropriate instructions…

• Support children in understanding what they are expected to do more quickly.

6. Instructions should be given politely, in a neutral tone of voice.

Example: “Please hand me your backpack,” rather than shouting, “Give me that backpack this instant!”

Polite instructions…

• Increase the likelihood that the child will listen better.
• Teach children to obey polite and respectful instructions.
• Avoid children learning they need to obey/listen only when yelled at.
• Prepare children for school. 

7. Instructions should be explained before they are given and/or after they are obeyed.

Example: “It’s time to have dinner, please put the Legos in their box.”

Child: *Obeys.*

“Thank you so much for listening! Tonight, we’re having pasta!” (Praise follow-up.) 

OR

“Please put the Legos in their box.”

Child: “Why?!”

*Caregiver points to the Legos and says nothing further.*

Child: *Obeys.*

“Thank you so much for listening! Now it is time for dinner!” (Praise and rationale.) 

Rather than: 

“Please put the Legos in their box.”

Child: “Why?!”

“Because we’re about to have dinner.”

Child: “Why?!”

8. Instructions should be used only when necessary

Example: *Child running around the neighbor’s house*

“Please sit in the chair beside me.”

Rather than:

“Please put my cup on the counter,” or “Fetch me the newspaper.”

***For children who struggle with transitions, providing a transition warning before prompting them to do something will increase their chance of compliance due to 1) working as a rationale and 2) support their emotional regulation by providing predictability from one moment to the next.***

Example transition warnings:

“Great job playing quietly with your tablet, soon it will be time to have dinner.”

“Play time is almost over and then it will be time to take a shower.”

“After homework time, then it will be snack time.”

“Bedtime will be in 20 minutes.”

What if my child does not comply with instructions?

Try Consistent Consequences:

If your child does not listen the first time you provide an effective instruction, then provide a warning and be prepared to follow-through with a reasonable consequence. The warning should re-state the instruction to give them another chance to hear what is being expected in case they did not hear it the first time. After the warning is provided, say nothing else even if the child probes for more and count to 5 Mississippis in your head. If the child complies within 5 seconds, follow-up with a specific praise! If not, have a consequence ready – one that you can reasonably impose that is time limited (e.g., no tablet for an hour/a day, time out chair for 3 minutes, etc. rather than no screen time for a whole week.)

Example: “Please brush your teeth.”

Child: *Dawdles for more than 5 seconds.*

“If you don’t brush your teeth, then no tablet time tomorrow.”

Child: *Starts brushing teeth.”

“Thank you for brushing your teeth, that will keep your smile nice and bright!”

OR

Child: *Continues to ignore/whine for 5 seconds.*

“You didn’t brush your teeth, so no tablet time tomorrow.”

When the consequence is imposed, it is very important to follow-through with it consistently - so the child learns that you mean what you say. Also, this will communicate to the child that if they listen quickly the first time, then they can avoid removal of privileges. It is important to note that an extinction burst – when a behavior gets worse before it gets better – is a common response to making behavioral changes. It is important to stay consistent and outlast the extinction burst in order to build new habits. And, hopefully, better mornings for everyone.

References:

1. Marchant, M., Young, K. R., & West, R. P. (2004). The effects of parental teaching on compliance behavior of children. Psychology in the Schools, 41(3), 337-350.
2. McNeil, C. B., Filcheck, H. A., Greco, L. A., Ware, L. M., & Bernard, R. S. (2001). Parent-child interaction therapy: Can a manualized treatment be functional?. The Behavior Analyst Today, 2(2), 106.
3. Hanstock, T., & Brand, M. (2024). Parent–Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT). Psychological Treatment Approaches for Young Children and Their Families, 165.
4. Shahan, T. A. (2022). A theory of the extinction burst. Perspectives on Behavior Science, 45(3), 495-519.
5. Stegge, H., & Terwogt, M. M. (2007). Awareness and regulation of